Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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