textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We got so high we made milksteak
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize