I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
