then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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