so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
This is my gift to your gina
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
