I hate your face
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
