they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
