She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
