That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
