also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
