You smell like a Billy Joel song
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
