Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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