I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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