I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
