So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
