we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
