i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
