I just cut my nipple shaving
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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