Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Be still, my beating vagina.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
