I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize