Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
