just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
