so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
