Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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