Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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