he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
