A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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