I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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