can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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