he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
how drunk are you?
Several
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
