it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
