don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
