Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
