just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
