PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
