i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
