i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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