if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
im on a boat
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