y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
