I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize