sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We are two peas in an std pod
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
