Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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