Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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