watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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