There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
