I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
