First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize