captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
