im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
