Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
