I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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