dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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