Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize