I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Randomize
