Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
