The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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