why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
