why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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