the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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