My Higher Power is John Stamos
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
