I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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