I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
