i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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