I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
