Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
