I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize