Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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